Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
