Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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