Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
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