Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
