i may or may not be watching the land before time
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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