Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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