I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
