The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
