Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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