He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
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That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
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Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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