So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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