Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
nutella sex= disaster
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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