i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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