when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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