Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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