I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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