I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
