You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Randomize
