And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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