Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
