I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
