foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
