her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
