we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
