My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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