Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
