I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
