not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
