I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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