oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
