You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
