guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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