just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
