just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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