The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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