there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
