i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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