I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
