Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Four minutes until I can fart!
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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