I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
