so explain again why im purple
no
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
