Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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