we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
