dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
she woke up with a sticky ear
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
