I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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