i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
