i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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