I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
