Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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