just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
