my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Randomize
