girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Four minutes until I can fart!
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
